Thursday, April 27, 2006
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Sensitive Beer
Three hicks - Steve, Bruce and Jed - were working on a telephone tower. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
"I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff," Jed says. "I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bruce says, "Where did you get the beer?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me."
"That's unbelievable," Bruce says, shaking his head. "You told the lady her husband was dead, and she gave you beer?"
"Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her: 'You must be Steve's widow.' She said: 'No, I'm not a widow!' And I said: 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'"
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
"I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff," Jed says. "I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bruce says, "Where did you get the beer?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me."
"That's unbelievable," Bruce says, shaking his head. "You told the lady her husband was dead, and she gave you beer?"
"Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her: 'You must be Steve's widow.' She said: 'No, I'm not a widow!' And I said: 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'"
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Nurse Nancy
Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.
"She's out of control," the first doctor says. "She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours; she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours. He almost died!"
"That's nothing," the second doctor says. "Earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!"
All of a sudden they hear a blood curdling scream from down the hallway.
"Oh my God," the first doctor exclaims. "I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!"
"She's out of control," the first doctor says. "She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours; she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours. He almost died!"
"That's nothing," the second doctor says. "Earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!"
All of a sudden they hear a blood curdling scream from down the hallway.
"Oh my God," the first doctor exclaims. "I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!"
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
College Grads
A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?"
A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?"
A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Monday, April 03, 2006
At the Old Folks Home
One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age."
The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.
"Pull down your pants," she says.
He doesn't understand, but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."
"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"
"You told me yesterday."
The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.
"Pull down your pants," she says.
He doesn't understand, but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."
"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"
"You told me yesterday."
Saturday, April 01, 2006
A Greater Insult
A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, “All lawyers are assholes!” He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.
Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder and says, “Take that back.”
“Why?" The biker asks. "Are you a lawyer?”
“No," the guy says. "I’m an asshole.”
Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder and says, “Take that back.”
“Why?" The biker asks. "Are you a lawyer?”
“No," the guy says. "I’m an asshole.”
Office Dogs
Four workers are discussing how smart their dogs are.
"My dog can do math calculations," the first guy, who is an engineer, says. He tells his dog, which he named T-Square, to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle - which the dog does with no sweat.
"I think my dog is smarter," The accountant says. With a single command, his dog, Slide Rule, fetches a dozen cookies, brings them back and divides them into piles of three.
"That was good," the third guy, a chemist, says. "But my dog is better." The chemist tells his dog, Measure, to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into ten ounce glass. The dog does this with no problem.
The three men agree that all the dogs are equally smart, and turn to the fourth guy - a union member.
"What can your dog do?" the chemist asks him.
The Teamster calls his dog, whose name is Coffee Break, and says, "Show the fellows what you can do".
Coffee Break trots over and eats the cookies, drinks the milk, goes to the bathroom on the paper, claims he injured his back while eating, files a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applies for Workmen's Compensation and leaves for home on sick leave.
"My dog can do math calculations," the first guy, who is an engineer, says. He tells his dog, which he named T-Square, to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle - which the dog does with no sweat.
"I think my dog is smarter," The accountant says. With a single command, his dog, Slide Rule, fetches a dozen cookies, brings them back and divides them into piles of three.
"That was good," the third guy, a chemist, says. "But my dog is better." The chemist tells his dog, Measure, to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into ten ounce glass. The dog does this with no problem.
The three men agree that all the dogs are equally smart, and turn to the fourth guy - a union member.
"What can your dog do?" the chemist asks him.
The Teamster calls his dog, whose name is Coffee Break, and says, "Show the fellows what you can do".
Coffee Break trots over and eats the cookies, drinks the milk, goes to the bathroom on the paper, claims he injured his back while eating, files a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applies for Workmen's Compensation and leaves for home on sick leave.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Welfare
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful, nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You may have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided with a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
Wide-eyed, the guy says "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful, nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You may have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided with a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
Wide-eyed, the guy says "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it."
Monday, March 27, 2006
Logic
You're driving down the road in your car on a stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading...
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading...
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used a part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she's going to die, so you should save her first.
Or, you could take the old friend because he once saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
He said: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. Then I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
HOWEVER....
The correct answer is:
Run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
I just love happy endings!
The World's Shortest Fairytale
Once upon a time a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"
"No," the girl said.
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.
The End.
"No," the girl said.
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.
The End.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Bubba, Junior & the Flagpole Incident
Bubba and Junior are standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde woman walks by and asks what they're doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," Bubba says, "but we don't have a ladder."
The blonde takes a wrench from her purse, loosens a few bolts, and lays the pole down. Then she takes a tape measure from her pocket, takes a measurement and announces, "Eighteen feet, six inches."
When the blonde is gone, Junior shakes his head. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."
A blonde woman walks by and asks what they're doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," Bubba says, "but we don't have a ladder."
The blonde takes a wrench from her purse, loosens a few bolts, and lays the pole down. Then she takes a tape measure from her pocket, takes a measurement and announces, "Eighteen feet, six inches."
When the blonde is gone, Junior shakes his head. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Golf and the Devil
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who's ahead by a couple of strokes.
"Boy," the golfer mumbles, "I'd give anything to sink this putt."
Just then, a stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"
This guy is crazy, the golfer thinks as he lines up his shot. But maybe it's a good omen.
"Sure," he says, and sinks the putt.
Two holes later, the golfer thinks, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."
The stranger saunters over. As the golfer adjusts his grip, the stranger softly asks, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"
Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle!
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.
Again, the stranger is at his side.
"Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?" the stranger asks.
"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle to win the game.
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger catches up to him.
"I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am," the stranger says with a smirk. "I'm the Devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies. "I'm Father O'Malley."
"Boy," the golfer mumbles, "I'd give anything to sink this putt."
Just then, a stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"
This guy is crazy, the golfer thinks as he lines up his shot. But maybe it's a good omen.
"Sure," he says, and sinks the putt.
Two holes later, the golfer thinks, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."
The stranger saunters over. As the golfer adjusts his grip, the stranger softly asks, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"
Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle!
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.
Again, the stranger is at his side.
"Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?" the stranger asks.
"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle to win the game.
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger catches up to him.
"I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am," the stranger says with a smirk. "I'm the Devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies. "I'm Father O'Malley."
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Driving
Two elderly women were out driving in a car so large, they could barely see over the dashboard.
They came to an intersection. The stop light was red, but they drove on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and another red light. Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was pretty positive that the light had been red and was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
"Mildred," the nervous passenger said, "did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and replied, "Oh! Am I driving?"
They came to an intersection. The stop light was red, but they drove on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and another red light. Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was pretty positive that the light had been red and was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
"Mildred," the nervous passenger said, "did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and replied, "Oh! Am I driving?"
Friday, March 17, 2006
Three Sisters
Three sisters, aged 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in, then pauses.
She yells to her sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
"I don't know," The 94-year-old hollers back. "I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
Enjoying a cup of tea and listening to her sisters from the kitchen table, the 92-year-old shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock-on-wood." Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in, then pauses.
She yells to her sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
"I don't know," The 94-year-old hollers back. "I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
Enjoying a cup of tea and listening to her sisters from the kitchen table, the 92-year-old shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock-on-wood." Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Car Alarm!
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car was broken into.
Hysterically she explained her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!"
"Stay calm," the dispatcher said. "An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radioed in.
"Disregard." He said. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
Hysterically she explained her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!"
"Stay calm," the dispatcher said. "An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radioed in.
"Disregard." He said. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
What makes up 100% in life?
This equation should be taught in all math classes...
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What makes 100%? What does it mean to give more than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they're giving more than 100%? We've all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
And look how far ass-kissing will take you:
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the BULLSHIT and Ass-Kissing that will put you over the top.
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What makes 100%? What does it mean to give more than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they're giving more than 100%? We've all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
And look how far ass-kissing will take you:
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the BULLSHIT and Ass-Kissing that will put you over the top.
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