Friends don't let friends take home ugly men - Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
Beauty is only a light switch away. - Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all
get wasted together and have the time of our lives. - Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" - Rest stop, Route 81, West Virginia
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. - Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. - Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. - Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ
Make love, not war...Hell, do both. GET MARRIED! - Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. - Revolution Books, New York, New York.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! - Men's Restroom, The House of Representatives, Washington DC
Express Lane: Five beers or less - Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ
You're too good for him. - Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.
No wonder you always go home alone. - Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA
And my favorite, and most realistic one:
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, You're going to have trouble with it. - Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Trading Places
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through, so he prayed: "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in eight hours while my wife stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, the man awoke as a woman.
He rose, cooked breakfast for his mate, woke the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board andwatched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids,and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he woke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were...
"You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, the man awoke as a woman.
He rose, cooked breakfast for his mate, woke the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board andwatched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids,and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he woke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were...
"You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Sex Therapy - Florida Style
A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
"What can I do for you?" the therapist asks.
The man says, "Will you watch us have intercourse?"
The therapist raises both eyebrows. But he's so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice, he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the therapist says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the therapist to watch again. The therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, make love without problems, pay their bill, then leave.
After six weeks of this, the therapist says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask: Just what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the old man says. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!"
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Pack of Dogs Kill Gator in Florida...
At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.
The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the "apex predator" in it's natural ecosystem, can still fall victim to implemented 'team work' strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and "survival of the fittest pack mentality", bred into the canines over the last several hundreds of years by natural selection.
See the attached remarkable photograph courtesy of Nature Magazine:
(Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator preventing it from breathing, while the remainder of the pack prevents the beast from rolling.)
Not for the squeamish! Be sure you can handle the Raw-Blood-and-Guts nature of this photo before scrolling down!!!
We strongly recommend that you preview this privately before determining if a younger audience can view the contents below....
The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the "apex predator" in it's natural ecosystem, can still fall victim to implemented 'team work' strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and "survival of the fittest pack mentality", bred into the canines over the last several hundreds of years by natural selection.
See the attached remarkable photograph courtesy of Nature Magazine:
(Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator preventing it from breathing, while the remainder of the pack prevents the beast from rolling.)
Not for the squeamish! Be sure you can handle the Raw-Blood-and-Guts nature of this photo before scrolling down!!!
We strongly recommend that you preview this privately before determining if a younger audience can view the contents below....
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Too Smart
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, is having trouble with one of her students. After class, she pulls him aside. "Harry, what's your problem?" she asks.
"I'm too smart for the first grade," Harry answers. "My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"
Ms. Brooks has had enough of Harry's attitude. She takes the boy to the principal's office. While Harry waits in the outer office, the teacher explains the situation to the principal.
After a moment's consideration, the principal tells Ms. Brooks: "I'll give the boy a test. If Harry answers all my questions correctly, he can move up to the third grade. If not, we'll send him back to the first grade - and he'd better behave."
Ms. Brooks agrees.
Ms. Brooks gets Harry and the principal explains the conditions to him. The boy agrees to take the test.
"What is three times three?" the principal asks.
"Nine," Harry answers.
"What is six times six?"
"Thirty-six," Harry answers.
After the principal asks Harry every question he thinks a third grader should know, the principal looks at Ms. Brooks. "I think Harry can go to the third grade," he says.
"Wait. Let me ask him some questions first," Ms. Brooks says.
The principal and Harry both agree.
"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Ms. Brooks asks.
After a moment, Harry answers: "Legs."
"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Ms. Brooks asks.
The principal gives Ms. Brooks a sharp look, and thinks, "Why would she ask such a question."
Harry replies: "Pockets."
"What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Ms. Brooks asks.
"Pants," Harry answers.
"What starts with a 'C,' ends with a 'T,' is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Mrs. Brooks asks.
Harry says, "Coconut."
At this point the principal sits forward, and his mouth hangs open.
"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" Ms. Brooks says.
The principal's eyes nearly bug out of his head. But before he can say anything, Harry replies: "Bubble gum."
"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Ms. Brooks says.
Harry: "Shake hands."
Now the principal is trembling.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
"Fire truck" Harry answers.
The principal can't take it anymore. He holds up his hand. "Put Harry in the fifth-grade," he says weakly. "I got the last seven questions wrong."
"I'm too smart for the first grade," Harry answers. "My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"
Ms. Brooks has had enough of Harry's attitude. She takes the boy to the principal's office. While Harry waits in the outer office, the teacher explains the situation to the principal.
After a moment's consideration, the principal tells Ms. Brooks: "I'll give the boy a test. If Harry answers all my questions correctly, he can move up to the third grade. If not, we'll send him back to the first grade - and he'd better behave."
Ms. Brooks agrees.
Ms. Brooks gets Harry and the principal explains the conditions to him. The boy agrees to take the test.
"What is three times three?" the principal asks.
"Nine," Harry answers.
"What is six times six?"
"Thirty-six," Harry answers.
After the principal asks Harry every question he thinks a third grader should know, the principal looks at Ms. Brooks. "I think Harry can go to the third grade," he says.
"Wait. Let me ask him some questions first," Ms. Brooks says.
The principal and Harry both agree.
"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Ms. Brooks asks.
After a moment, Harry answers: "Legs."
"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Ms. Brooks asks.
The principal gives Ms. Brooks a sharp look, and thinks, "Why would she ask such a question."
Harry replies: "Pockets."
"What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Ms. Brooks asks.
"Pants," Harry answers.
"What starts with a 'C,' ends with a 'T,' is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Mrs. Brooks asks.
Harry says, "Coconut."
At this point the principal sits forward, and his mouth hangs open.
"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" Ms. Brooks says.
The principal's eyes nearly bug out of his head. But before he can say anything, Harry replies: "Bubble gum."
"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Ms. Brooks says.
Harry: "Shake hands."
Now the principal is trembling.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
"Fire truck" Harry answers.
The principal can't take it anymore. He holds up his hand. "Put Harry in the fifth-grade," he says weakly. "I got the last seven questions wrong."
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