How an Engineer Sees Women

Sensitive Beer

Three hicks - Steve, Bruce and Jed - were working on a telephone tower. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

"I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff," Jed says. "I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bruce says, "Where did you get the beer?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me."

"That's unbelievable," Bruce says, shaking his head. "You told the lady her husband was dead, and she gave you beer?"

"Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her: 'You must be Steve's widow.' She said: 'No, I'm not a widow!' And I said: 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'"

Nurse Nancy

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.

"She's out of control," the first doctor says. "She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours; she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours. He almost died!"

"That's nothing," the second doctor says. "Earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!"

All of a sudden they hear a blood curdling scream from down the hallway.

"Oh my God," the first doctor exclaims. "I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!"

College Grads

A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?"

A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

At the Old Folks Home

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age."

The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.

"Pull down your pants," she says.

He doesn't understand, but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."

"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"

"You told me yesterday."

A Greater Insult

A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, “All lawyers are assholes!” He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.

Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder and says, “Take that back.”

“Why?" The biker asks. "Are you a lawyer?”

“No," the guy says. "I’m an asshole.”

Office Dogs

Four workers are discussing how smart their dogs are.

"My dog can do math calculations," the first guy, who is an engineer, says. He tells his dog, which he named T-Square, to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle - which the dog does with no sweat.

"I think my dog is smarter," The accountant says. With a single command, his dog, Slide Rule, fetches a dozen cookies, brings them back and divides them into piles of three.

"That was good," the third guy, a chemist, says. "But my dog is better." The chemist tells his dog, Measure, to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into ten ounce glass. The dog does this with no problem.

The three men agree that all the dogs are equally smart, and turn to the fourth guy - a union member.

"What can your dog do?" the chemist asks him.

The Teamster calls his dog, whose name is Coffee Break, and says, "Show the fellows what you can do".

Coffee Break trots over and eats the cookies, drinks the milk, goes to the bathroom on the paper, claims he injured his back while eating, files a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applies for Workmen's Compensation and leaves for home on sick leave.