Best Blonde Joke

A blonde calls her boyfriend.

"Please come over here and help me," she says. "I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

"According to the picture on the box," the blonde says, "it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then turns to her.

"First of all," he says, "no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea and then let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Definition of Marriage

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right... and the other is a husband.

Revenge of the Whales

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the female, "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach The shore." At this point, the male whale realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"What's the matter darling?"

"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

Winning the Lottery

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs:

"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

"Oh my God," the husband said, "What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out!"

Cooking Instructions

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband when suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"

The mans' wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Have you ever been this tired?

Restroom Signs

Friends don't let friends take home ugly men - Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Beauty is only a light switch away. - Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all
get wasted together and have the time of our lives. - Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" - Rest stop, Route 81, West Virginia

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. - Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. - Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. - Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ

Make love, not war...Hell, do both. GET MARRIED! - Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. - Revolution Books, New York, New York.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! - Men's Restroom, The House of Representatives, Washington DC

Express Lane: Five beers or less - Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ

You're too good for him. - Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.

No wonder you always go home alone. - Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

And my favorite, and most realistic one:

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, You're going to have trouble with it. - Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX

Trading Places

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through, so he prayed: "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in eight hours while my wife stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, the man awoke as a woman.

He rose, cooked breakfast for his mate, woke the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board andwatched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids,and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he woke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were...

"You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

Sex Therapy - Florida Style

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

"What can I do for you?" the therapist asks.

The man says, "Will you watch us have intercourse?"

The therapist raises both eyebrows. But he's so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice, he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the therapist says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the therapist to watch again. The therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, make love without problems, pay their bill, then leave.

After six weeks of this, the therapist says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask: Just what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the old man says. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!"

Pack of Dogs Kill Gator in Florida...

At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.

The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the "apex predator" in it's natural ecosystem, can still fall victim to implemented 'team work' strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and "survival of the fittest pack mentality", bred into the canines over the last several hundreds of years by natural selection.

See the attached remarkable photograph courtesy of Nature Magazine:

(Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator preventing it from breathing, while the remainder of the pack prevents the beast from rolling.)

Not for the squeamish! Be sure you can handle the Raw-Blood-and-Guts nature of this photo before scrolling down!!!





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Too Smart

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, is having trouble with one of her students. After class, she pulls him aside. "Harry, what's your problem?" she asks.

"I'm too smart for the first grade," Harry answers. "My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

Ms. Brooks has had enough of Harry's attitude. She takes the boy to the principal's office. While Harry waits in the outer office, the teacher explains the situation to the principal.

After a moment's consideration, the principal tells Ms. Brooks: "I'll give the boy a test. If Harry answers all my questions correctly, he can move up to the third grade. If not, we'll send him back to the first grade - and he'd better behave."

Ms. Brooks agrees.

Ms. Brooks gets Harry and the principal explains the conditions to him. The boy agrees to take the test.

"What is three times three?" the principal asks.

"Nine," Harry answers.

"What is six times six?"

"Thirty-six," Harry answers.

After the principal asks Harry every question he thinks a third grader should know, the principal looks at Ms. Brooks. "I think Harry can go to the third grade," he says.

"Wait. Let me ask him some questions first," Ms. Brooks says.

The principal and Harry both agree.

"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Ms. Brooks asks.

After a moment, Harry answers: "Legs."

"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Ms. Brooks asks.

The principal gives Ms. Brooks a sharp look, and thinks, "Why would she ask such a question."

Harry replies: "Pockets."

"What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Ms. Brooks asks.

"Pants," Harry answers.

"What starts with a 'C,' ends with a 'T,' is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Mrs. Brooks asks.

Harry says, "Coconut."

At this point the principal sits forward, and his mouth hangs open.

"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" Ms. Brooks says.

The principal's eyes nearly bug out of his head. But before he can say anything, Harry replies: "Bubble gum."

"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Ms. Brooks says.

Harry: "Shake hands."

Now the principal is trembling.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

"Fire truck" Harry answers.

The principal can't take it anymore. He holds up his hand. "Put Harry in the fifth-grade," he says weakly. "I got the last seven questions wrong."

How an Engineer Sees Women

Sensitive Beer

Three hicks - Steve, Bruce and Jed - were working on a telephone tower. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

"I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff," Jed says. "I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bruce says, "Where did you get the beer?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me."

"That's unbelievable," Bruce says, shaking his head. "You told the lady her husband was dead, and she gave you beer?"

"Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her: 'You must be Steve's widow.' She said: 'No, I'm not a widow!' And I said: 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'"

Nurse Nancy

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.

"She's out of control," the first doctor says. "She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours; she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours. He almost died!"

"That's nothing," the second doctor says. "Earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!"

All of a sudden they hear a blood curdling scream from down the hallway.

"Oh my God," the first doctor exclaims. "I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!"

College Grads

A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?"

A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

At the Old Folks Home

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age."

The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.

"Pull down your pants," she says.

He doesn't understand, but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."

"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"

"You told me yesterday."

A Greater Insult

A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, “All lawyers are assholes!” He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge.

Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder and says, “Take that back.”

“Why?" The biker asks. "Are you a lawyer?”

“No," the guy says. "I’m an asshole.”

Office Dogs

Four workers are discussing how smart their dogs are.

"My dog can do math calculations," the first guy, who is an engineer, says. He tells his dog, which he named T-Square, to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle - which the dog does with no sweat.

"I think my dog is smarter," The accountant says. With a single command, his dog, Slide Rule, fetches a dozen cookies, brings them back and divides them into piles of three.

"That was good," the third guy, a chemist, says. "But my dog is better." The chemist tells his dog, Measure, to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into ten ounce glass. The dog does this with no problem.

The three men agree that all the dogs are equally smart, and turn to the fourth guy - a union member.

"What can your dog do?" the chemist asks him.

The Teamster calls his dog, whose name is Coffee Break, and says, "Show the fellows what you can do".

Coffee Break trots over and eats the cookies, drinks the milk, goes to the bathroom on the paper, claims he injured his back while eating, files a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applies for Workmen's Compensation and leaves for home on sick leave.

Welfare

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful, nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You may have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided with a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

Wide-eyed, the guy says "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it."

Logic

You're driving down the road in your car on a stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading...

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used a part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she's going to die, so you should save her first.

Or, you could take the old friend because he once saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

He said: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. Then I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

HOWEVER....

The correct answer is:

Run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

I just love happy endings!

The World's Shortest Fairytale

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"

"No," the girl said.

And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

The End.

Bubba, Junior & the Flagpole Incident

Bubba and Junior are standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde woman walks by and asks what they're doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," Bubba says, "but we don't have a ladder."

The blonde takes a wrench from her purse, loosens a few bolts, and lays the pole down. Then she takes a tape measure from her pocket, takes a measurement and announces, "Eighteen feet, six inches."

When the blonde is gone, Junior shakes his head. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."

Golf and the Devil

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who's ahead by a couple of strokes.

"Boy," the golfer mumbles, "I'd give anything to sink this putt."

Just then, a stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

This guy is crazy, the golfer thinks as he lines up his shot. But maybe it's a good omen.

"Sure," he says, and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, the golfer thinks, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one."

The stranger saunters over. As the golfer adjusts his grip, the stranger softly asks, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle!

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.

Again, the stranger is at his side.

"Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?" the stranger asks.

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle to win the game.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger catches up to him.

"I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am," the stranger says with a smirk. "I'm the Devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies. "I'm Father O'Malley."

Driving

Two elderly women were out driving in a car so large, they could barely see over the dashboard.

They came to an intersection. The stop light was red, but they drove on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and another red light. Again, they went right through.

The woman in the passenger seat was pretty positive that the light had been red and was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.

"Mildred," the nervous passenger said, "did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and replied, "Oh! Am I driving?"

Three Sisters

Three sisters, aged 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in, then pauses.

She yells to her sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

"I don't know," The 94-year-old hollers back. "I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

Enjoying a cup of tea and listening to her sisters from the kitchen table, the 92-year-old shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock-on-wood." Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Car Alarm!

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car was broken into.

Hysterically she explained her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!"

"Stay calm," the dispatcher said. "An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radioed in.

"Disregard." He said. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

What makes up 100% in life?

This equation should be taught in all math classes...

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What makes 100%? What does it mean to give more than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they're giving more than 100%? We've all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

And look how far ass-kissing will take you:

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the BULLSHIT and Ass-Kissing that will put you over the top.